What to do as a Newbie

Throughout this series, we are asking our community to help make us smarter. All questions provided by you and for you.

Newbie: Hi, I'm a newbie and my name is Lois.

How have u gotten into the kink scene?

Newbie: I got into the kink scene really through just a general invite. My friend was like, 'I think you'll be into this party'. The first thing was the music and techno for me is a big thing. I love it. Having been really into the Berlin scene the last couple of years, I think I knew it'd be right up my street.

Being a newbie, do you prefer to approach or to be approached by people of interest?

Newbie: I like to make the first move, but I felt a bit awkward at first navigating the new space. I'm open both ways. If someone wants to come up to me, that's cool. And if I can make a move as well, then I'm down to do so.

What are you most afraid of stepping into the scene?

Newbie: For me, I would say probably exploring and just making sure I'm not overstepping the mark and ensuring that whatever kind of moves I make are reciprocated. Like I said, not assuming because it's quite a different space. Just knowing, just checking in with that person before progressing to anything.

Were you nervous you wouldn't be dressed the right way to get in?

Newbie: Not too much as I feel like I have a few pieces I could wear to parties, but I also checked out the website ahead of the party just to ensure that I had made an effort and that I looked good.

What do you wear to a fetish party?

Newbie: What I'm wearing now. I like a good choker, a nice statement choker, bra, usually with bottoms combo. I just like the freedom of dancing. You can usually find me on the dance floor. Doing some shaking, some moves.

What's the first time really like?

Newbie: For me the first time I went, it was one of the bigger parties that was open to all. I felt so liberated and I think what surprised me was that I was so comfortable even though I was walking around half naked in a room full of people. I felt the safest I've ever felt in a club space in over a decade, especially when I compare it with general clubbing, it just felt safer, I knew I wouldn't get groped. It just felt comfortable.

How do you get over the initial anxiety of meeting other people in the kink scene?

Newbie: I realised that it's just about talking and approaching or getting to know people. During the lockdown, KV and a couple of online parties helped me open up, I was able to talk to more members that I had previously. Because sometimes I feel when you meet people at parties, because everyone's already in their element and might already have their groups,. it can be hard to insert yourself, especially when you're trying to be aware of consent and being respectful towards others as well. I definitely think if you can go to the events, the socials, or if you can even have chats, start messaging or talking to people, approaching people outside of that space, it might be one of the best ways of getting to know people.

What is the difference between intimate play parties and big play parties like Verboten - open to all?

Newbie: The difference for me would be that at the bigger parties you'll meet a broader range of people. With the smaller play parties, for me personally, they felt a bit intense. I hadn't really been to that many and I felt out of my depth, but after speaking with people and having a bit more people I know in the scene, I feel like I'm a bit more comfortable and a bit more confident going into that space. Also not overthinking it, I think that was part of the reason why I was in that head space and doubting myself.

How do you make friends in the kink scene?

Newbie: As I said, just talking to people in advance. Also, it does help if you have someone that you know who's going to these parties or if there's a friend that you could bring with you, I feel that's the best way. I think being open about your interests and just being yourself really, and people accept you for that.

Your profile says you're in an open relationship. What does that mean for you?

Newbie: I've been in a two year open relationship, long distance. It just means that I don't have the boundaries of monogamy on my relationship. And it means I'm allowed to explore that which I really appreciate and feel lucky to have as it's been about testing boundaries for me. I like the fact that when I meet people, I don't have to be limited and it makes me feel less shameful of having attraction to other people. Whereas before, in previous monogamous relationships I was in, you have to turn down people who are interested in you, it just gives you a bit more freedom. I guess you understand and work around what ownership is and understand that love can come in varying forms.