What You'd Like to Ask a Swinger

Throughout this series, we are asking our community to help make us smarter. All questions provided by you and for you.

Swinger: I'm Frank, people know me as laconicfrank on FetLife. I'm a shagger and a swinger.

How did you get started?

Swinger: I joined the scene about four or five years ago. When I was working for a fitness magazine in East London, and I quickly met some individuals that took me to some cool sex situations, and I discovered a bunch of really nice people there.

What do you like the most about being a swinger?

Swinger: What I like most about being a swinger is the open communication with my partner, my play partners, all my friends in this community. There's a very good sense of community because we are constantly sharing about our needs, sexual needs but also preferences, also our fears our limits, and just in general how we are feeling on a day-to-day basis. Just talking and sharing is something very very important, and that's how you get to being a great swinger, by being open.

Does that mean that a one-to-one relationship is impossible or different? If so, how?

Swinger: I wouldn't say that a one-on-one relationship is impossible for me to consider but having tried and tested group sex, I like to say that you usually remember the first time you have sex with someone, with your partner, but also, you remember the first time you have sex in a group sex situation. Seeing people in fucking in front of you, it's just so beautiful. And the experience is so magical. It's like watching a movie or being at the theatre. So much magic going on in this setup that is so important to me; in terms of expressing yourself or seeing people having fun, having pleasure, and just truly being themselves is so important. So going into a one-to-one situation where you're just stuck in your bed, fucking in the dark, that's something I would barely be able to consider at all.

Apparently, pampas grass outside someone's house is a sign for swingers. Is this true?

Swinger: I don't know about any symbolism of pampas grass in the UK. I know some in France. I like that this community has some cheeky little signs, maybe you can leave a mark on your mailbox, or on your car. It's just a sort of simple way of saying hello in a group situation, and can lead you to see if someone can be sexual or a swinger. It's very important to keep it secret. I will say though, it brings a little bit of poetry, because what's more beautiful that having some nice pampas grass in your garden? Haha, just the kinkiest of plants.

Do you tell your partner about it? If yes, how did you approach it?

Swinger: I will definitely start the conversation early on. It's a part of me, this is who I am and I live my life through sex in this manner and I want my partner to know me like this. I don't want to hide this part of me. That would be sad to hide who I am.

How do you approach consent in group scenarios, compared to monogamous relationships?

Swinger: Initiating a group sex situation is not simple. There's a lot of pre-discussion done beforehand. Another thing is on WhatsApp, on group chats, people will be sharing their limits, their hard limits, their preferences or their fragility towards something. So, consenting in group sex would be very very open. People would never want to be put in a situation where they are not comfortable in doing something, that would never happen. The objective is more about finding what you're happy with doing. People would be supporting you in the direction you want to go in, so therefore, there's a lot of pre-discussion in place. And we want people have fun more importantly, and people to feel themselves and just express themselves. Definitely verbal communication and pre-discussion.

Do you think that being 'swinger' means not being interested in monogamous relationships anymore?

Swinger: It's really tough for me to think about what my future is going to look like. Four years ago I had no idea I'd be sitting here on this chair talking about my shagging experiences. Being in an open relationship or being swinger or being part of this group sex community will be something shared with my partner. And if my partner wants to go and explore more of the open relationship, we'll be doing this together. If at any given moment she wants to be focused more on monogamy, we'd be doing it together. So I'm big on the one-on-one, I think it's definitely conversation I will be having in the future.

Do you ever want to go back to not being a swinger and finding a person you do not want to share?

Swinger: I can't think of myself doing a one-on-one anymore. That will be missing out on a lot of the human experiences, because the way I see my expression of kink and the group sex community is by sharing, constantly sharing. There's a lot of learning with people, learning about new kinks or fetishes, or just pure psychology or human relationships or just growing. Being in a one-to-one would means that I will be sharing these experiences with only one individual, which doesn't mean that it will be worse, it will just be a little bit tighter. I like things wide and open and free.